The process of E.M.D.R. looks like this
May 25, 2022
September 18, 2023
Carl Jung, a leader in facets of psychology and mental health explored the idea of how we carry an “inner child” a child archetype. We all carry an inner child, a part that represents ourselves that needs love and is often connected to early childhood experiences and memories associated with child like creativity, hope, future thoughts, playfulness, and innocence. Our inner child becomes buried when we endure and are powerless or trapped and cannot remove ourselves from trauma and we develop a heightened level of maturity to cope.
If we do not acknowledge our child, our adult emotional experiences will present that of a child. It does this because it holds the wounds experienced in our childhood which desperately want to be healed. The inner child is buried when they endure emotional injury such as:
- Physical abuse or neglect
- Emotional abuse or neglect
- Sexual abuse
- Family breakup
- Victim of violence
- Substance abuse in the household
- Serious illness
- Severe bullying
- Natural disasters at a young age
- Domestic Violence
- Mental illness of a family member
- Loss of parent or guardian
If your inner child has experienced any one or more of the situations above and you are experiencing distressing symptoms which are impacting your daily life, relationships and daily functioning. When our inner child experiences one of the above situations, there is often not a caregiver or trusting adult around to help soothe or regulate us or to help move us toward healing resources. The impact of the wounded inner child will continue until the emotions felt in childhood are faced and processed. There are some simple signs our inner child needs healing:
- Passive-aggressive behaviour
- self-defeating behaviour
- Violent behaviour
- Self-harming behaviour
- self-sabotage
When our inner child's emotions are soothed and they feel heard, the distressing thoughts, feelings and behaviours such as our needy and afraid feelings, mild narcissistic, co-dependent, impulsivities and addictions dissolve, and we develop into self-sustained, emotionally regulated and confident, adult.
We begin healing our inner child by finding out which stage our inner child is, such as childhood or adolescence. We then need to accept its existence within our uncomfortable feelings, thoughts and/or risky behaviours. Once we identify what our inner child needs, our self begins to shift into a mature emotionally regulated adult.
Healing our inner child comes by understanding what happened to this version of ourselves by identifying the sources of pain and wounds we endured. There are a variety of approaches and coping tools counsellors use to help identify the sources of pain, these tools can be used even after the sessions are over.
Our inner child is looking for some compassion, which is required to heal as we were alone with perhaps no one to protect us, to parent us or to support us unconditionally, we had to provide on our own. We want to imagine your experiences as a child or teenager, this is what we need to give the inner child today.
We need to find a way for this little version to receive the love it needed and never received, enhancing the sense of safety and belongingness. If our inner child did not receive this love, we love trust in ourselves, others and the world, we feel distant, unloved and perhaps, even unlovable.
One of the best ways to do give your inner child love is through play therapy and using your senses! Play with toys you never had as a child, play with toys or create artwork you stopped doing after the traumatic event (s). We bring the little child into the room and let them have some fun with whatever they want to play with, and this creates healing as it's your adult self giving your inner child something it never had. This is taking control as an adult and letting your little self know it is loveable and worthy.
Additionally, when we bring our little version in to play, we provide it with guidance, praise, and positive reinforcement. Our inner child is also exposed to the ability to have a safe environment to express thoughts and feelings which may have been exiled during and after the trauma (s).
Traumatic childhood experiences can often make us feel alone, and broken, and feel as if no one understands us. One way to heal our inner child is to communicate with them:
I love you: short and sweet. Everyone needs and loves to hear this phrase. If it is hard to say, write it down and keep it in a pocket.
I hear you: When we have been through trauma, our feelings and thoughts are often dismissed. and we rarely feel heard or understood. In adulthood, when we are hurt, we push the pain away and do not tell anyone due to the instinct of not being heard as a child. “I hear you,” tells your inner child that you acknowledge how they are thinking and how you are feeling.
You did not deserve this: As children, when actions are repeated, we internalize these actions with the belief that we deserve the treatment we are receiving. We are often confused because to some degree we also know adults should know better and not harm the people they love. When we think we deserve negative and harmful treatment, we lose our sense of innocence which pushes us into survival mode and shifts us away from mature development.
I am sorry: It may be unlikely for some to ever receive an apology from their perpetrator, so as the adult in our lives, we have to do it for ourselves. When we engage in this action, our inner child feels relief and we often feel a sense of forgiveness as our inner child was just trying to survive.
I forgive you: When we forgive our inner child we release guilt, regret and the biggest of all, shame. You were a child with little to no guidance, you did what you felt was good for you at the time.
Thank you: Thank the version of yourself that took you into survival mode, even if it is distressing as an adult, The survival modes your body selected, was your protection or your shield. It never gave up, it allowed you to engage in fear responses which kept you safe, it was strong and resilient, for never giving up, for fighting, for showing strength, resilience and perseverance for enduring all that you did.
You did your best: As you were a child, you only knew how to do things to a certain level, you did your best with what you had. You did as much as a child at certain developmental abilities could do, so you did the best you could!
Play therapy allows the child or youth to verbally or emotionally express themselves in a secure and empathetic environment where they will not be judged, and this is what makes play therapy effective. The kids can show, label, feel and express their shame, sadness, grief, anger, and happiness or what makes them excited which may not be offered in their daily environments. From this freedom of expression and through observations I can implement intervention strategies to help the child reach their goals.
When the child appears to be wanting to express an emotion like anger, I can jump in and provide an alternative appropriate behaviour. By teaching the child or youth new coping skills within this moment, it allows the child the experience which in turn, allows them to use the coping skill in the future in similar situations. Allowing the child or youth to have effective problem-solving skills so situations do not escalate.
Research on play therapy is most effective when the child or youth has developed a rapport with their counsellor. The relationship is built when the child is provided the therapist can provide the youth with whatever needs they have and there is warmth and safety. As the relationship grows, the child becomes more comfortable and begins to disclose more and more and wants to learn different skills. When the child or youth can verbalize their fears, emotions, thoughts and behaviours, they gain a sense of empowerment and control.
Play and art therapy are used with children ages 6- 18 and can be used with adults with inner child therapy. This modality is very helpful with kids because it suits the dialogue, the child/youth is developmentally capable of. If a child or youth is struggling with emotional, social, behavioural, and communication, play therapy techniques can be used to reduce the intensity and frequency of the child’s discomfort.
This modality is also the best way for children to process trauma and grief as they do not have to talk about it directly but use play or art to express the emotions and thoughts that arise from their experience. Play and art therapy is also very effective for addressing the child and youth’s academic and learning needs or style.
As children and youth need a sense of safety a few sessions is needed to build this rapport and so, progress may not be had for a couple of weeks. During the child’s first few sessions, I limit the amount of time the parents are in the session, to ease anxiety for the child, we will stagger the parent's presence. This may look like them being in the room and as comfort increases, the parent can sit in the office and with more safety established, most parents go and run errands during the child’s session.
I also do not ask the child what is bringing them to counselling, instead as questions about what they like and do not like, I let the child find the safety to disclose on their own. From these interests, I get insight into their personality style, and any learning disabilities and use these when we do direct play or art therapy.
There are two forms of play and art therapy, one is directed, and one is non-directed. Non-directed play or art can be a bit longer as the child or youth has the freedom to express what they would like to get out or to grow. Then there is directed play/art therapy, which addresses specific goals with specific techniques to pull out thoughts and feelings, process trauma or learn emotion regulation skills.
